Life is made up of ‘Aha!’ moments.
‘Aha!’ moments spark brilliant and often unexpected solutions to things that had been nudging us.
In this episode, Barbara Kohler shares her entrepreneurial mastery and wisdom, which came out naturally after she took a plunge away from running a non-profit ministry.
Bringing a wealth of knowledge on personal growth; the child, adult, and ego; and how to develop your own personal truth, Barbara deconstructs these concepts and how they can help businesses move forward.
She also tackles the following:
– What is the correlation between your own prosperity and your own personal growth?
– What is the science of relationship?
– How important is truth and honesty in growing a relationship and a business?
Learn these practical methods now, develop your personality, and GROW and SUCCEED!
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Barbara Kohler is the founder of Barbara Kohler Seminars, LLC, a Licensed Professional Counselor and Ordained Christian Minister with over 20 years of professional counseling experience. God led Barbara to begin teaching the restoration principles she has used successfully in her private practice. She has worked with adults, teens, and adolescents who have suffered abuse, PTSD, depression, grief/loss, and many other issues.
Know more about Barbara here:
Hello and welcome to yes you can. With Virginia Phillips I am Virginia your entrepreneurial coach. If this is your first time listening to Yes you can. This is where you entrepreneurs get inspired and get insider tips and generating leads creating sales and building healthy profits. Today I think we’re going to be focusing more on how you build those healthy profits than maybe some of those other things because we have a phenomenal gas for you and I’ve been waiting a long time to get her on here. We have
Ms. Barbara J. COLE Our Barbara is an amazing woman. She first of all is the founder of Barbara colar seminars. You don’t know what they are by the end of this show you should know what they are. She is a licensed professional counselor an ordained Christian minister with over 20 years of professional counseling experience and I’m sure in those 20 years she has stories I would think this half hour we’re going to be hearing phenomenal stories from her. But you also know that God led her to begin teaching this restoration principles that she has used successfully in her private practice. She has worked with adults. Teens adolescents all kinds of folks that have suffered abuse PTSD depression. Grief and Loss in many many many other issues. She has just this wealth of knowledge and I’m so excited to have her on our podcast today to see what she can give to us to help us move our business forward. Good morning Barbara. How are you doing on this lovely day.
Hi Virginia doing great. And I tell you I am so honored to be on your program I’ve heard you speak at a summit last year and I was really impressed and I’m thrilled to be on your podcast.
Well thank you for that. Can you give us just a little bit more information as to who are you. How did you get into this ministry piece of your business.
Well you know originally years ago I started out in ministry I ran a nonprofit and loved doing it. But what I realized I always felt a little bit out of place because I had an entrepreneurial bent to me and I realize I really don’t like taking an offering. I like working for the money that I earn and I like making money and I realize there’s not a conflict with that. God wants us to be prosperous but he wants us to do it with integrity and in a way that honors him. So the entrepreneurial piece came very naturally to me as I dared to step out in it and I let go of just running a nonprofit ministry that I started. We went for just about 10 years that was teaching prayer counseling music ministry. And I just kept feeling this nudge for business but I resisted until I was just miserable. And when I took that plunge it was it was like oh this is who I am. I’m a business woman so my undergraduate degree is in business. So something left brain of me took off and said to do that when I was younger and then I got my master’s degree in rehab counseling from East Carolina University in North Carolina.
So that’s kind of how it started.
Oh what a great story. I know that you’ve heard this from folks based upon the seminars that you do. But there are so many folks that don’t know what they’re geniuses they don’t know what it is they were put on this earth to do. And it seemed like it took you alone time before you had that aha moment and you’re like this. This is what I should be doing.
Well you know life is made up of aha moment. And so I had one aha after another. And I think that’s one of the ways that God builds us. I even though I started out in a non-profit in that in my daytime my day job I worked as a consultant. And so I was with business leaders and doing Counseling and Consulting from a vocational standpoint. And I just kind of morphed into this. I continued to work on my own personal growth and that’s the passion that God has given me and that’s really what came out of Barbara Kohler seminars all my life I’ve always wanted to help people even since I was a little kid. And then as I grew as a Christian and just as a person I wanted to be a healthy person and I found out you’ll be as healthy your business will be as healthy as you are. And I began to see a correlation between my own prosperity and my own personal growth. And the more I like God work around me and the more I just became emotionally healthier studied relationship really the science of our personality and the science of relationships. It affected my business it affected my ability to make income. And so I grew into it kind of naturally and then as a private practice therapist and Christian counseling I found myself teaching clients think the same thing over and over because of the principles were so strong and there were so many general things that applied to people in a general way and then you have clients that things will be specific for them.
But after you see ten people working through grief you realize hey there are some principles here to grieve than resolving grief. That it for instance like it’s a natural process and we’re in a culture where we often try to avoid any kind of negative feeling. We’re allowed a week or two to grieve or maybe even a month we’re really generous and then it’s time to move on. But grief just as something General that everyone has experienced is a God given process. It’s a gift to us to allow us to mourn the person that we lose to honor that part of our soul and our mind that has lost something. And when we did that it enriches our lives then we build on that experience and take it into our future. And it often becomes ministry for someone else. And so as I began to do those kinds or process those traumas with people then I began to see certain steps and certain things that would help people grieving and so I just began to teach it just kind of came out of me to be honest with you. And then I just felt compelled. So we all have a story and after you’ve worked through these kinds of things enough it’s like you just want to tell it and you want to help people. Now it can help people on a bigger scale by having webinars and seminars. I also do Facebook Live teaching most Wednesday nights. And in doing that I can kind of multiply myself by video. So that’s my goal.
I don’t know if all of our goals are to multiply ourselves by video but most of us do want to have this capability of scaling in what you told us in that that story is is you want out to be a counsellor and you notice through that counselling that there was a pattern in terms of how you were helping people and you then said that pattern is something that I can take to a bigger scale within that pattern. You talked about the science of relationships. I’m pretty sure that some of our viewers have no idea what you mean by the science of relationships. Can you expand upon this idea of science in relationships.
Yes. You know we all have a parent ego state an adult and a child ego state and an ego state is just a state of being. For instance when you’re at the beach and you’re laying out on the sand and getting creative ideas for your business you’re really in your child’s ego. You might notice that when you take time away from work you get creative ideas for work. But if you just stay in that place you’ll never move your business forward. And so what you need then is to bring your adult egos stay on board and your adult egos state is the place where you problem solve. It’s the place where you set your your budget your business plan and you develop a strategy for moving forward more than your parent ego status. It’s kind of like a guardian over your personality and you’re your parent egos state says I’m going to implement these strategies and I’m going to work the extra hour two hours a day to see this dream come to pass. I might have to do this for some time before it comes to pass. There’s a script sure I believe it’s an ecclesiastics Zora’s says. It’s with much effort that a dream comes to pass will you need a good healthy parent ego state to kind of pull yourself up by the bootstraps. At times to say you can do this and encourage yourself you know. King David would talk to himself and he would encourage himself and God. And sometimes we need to do that we need to because long after you get your vision for business you know your supporters your cheerleaders they’re not always going to be around there’s going to be times when you’re by yourself and you’re going to have to coach yourself talk with yourself and say you can do this.
And so we need all three of those ego states to function in the person in our personality and then within relationships if you’re always relating to people on a child to child level or parent to a child level then your relationships are going to be limited. You really want to have adult to adult friendships and then there might be times when you’re going child that child where you maybe you’re after you’ve been networking with somebody for a while you develop a friendship and you say hey let’s go to the beach or let’s have fun let’s do something a shopping trip whatever. But we need all the parts of our mind at different times. And knowing how to regulate that what part of your personality you need for what season or what relationship. And so some people and some customers if you’re really parental with them there it’s going to be a total turnoff. But that person who needs support or if you’re coaching somebody and they don’t have a lot of confidence you might want to be a little more parental with them because they’ve not had that kind of support. And one thing a parent does in our childhood is instill confidence in us to move forward in life and to reach goals. And so sometimes especially in our culture right now because of the breakdown of the family a lot of coaching and even counseling you are being a support person that they didn’t have until they can do it for themselves.
You don’t want to stay in a permanent role of that you want to get them to the place where they can function on their own.
And I fully fully agree with that that science aspect of having that parent and that child’s role and knowing when to be more utilized that that piece of you that’s more childlike versus the more parental like. But I will tell you as a not as an entrepreneur you know that journey is tough. There’s ups and downs every day and you can be confident one hour not confident the next hour when you are having that dip in confidence and you need to be in that parent role where you are trying to give your potential client or your client the confidence they need to move forward. How do you do that.
Yes well the airlines have it right. You put the oxygen mask on yourself first and so before I start my day I’m going to get myself straight and you know you can’t really give to us.
You can’t give to someone what you don’t have. You really we import who we are not what we know. So it’s really important that we work out our own internal conflicts within ourselves. Now sometimes we can do that through prayer sometimes we can do that with a friend or processing and sometimes we need a therapist or counselor coach or whatever. And so I think doing working that out yourself and then let’s say you’re having a bad day and you just can’t get there today I’d really like to get there but I can’t. Then you just go up to your adult ego day and you start problem solving you might need to write something down on an index card but use your adult ego state that’s where you strategize. Where are you. Problem solved. And then give your customers what you can from that place and then continue to do your own work on resolving those internal conflicts.
Such. Such great insight Barbara. This is where your 20 years experience is so wonderful that I’m so grateful that you are on our show today. But we’re just we’re just really getting started. You know I’m looking at your your Web site here and you talk about in some of your seminars where there is a love for truth. Does that love for truth play into this parental role or is that love for true something totally different than I. I don’t fully understand when you talk about love for truth. What does that mean.
Well I can think of it in a couple different ways. First of all are are our spiritual life is in our child’s ego. That’s how we most access our spiritual life.
And so developing a love for truth means I’m going to believe what God says about me. I’m going to believe about who God is. I’m going to love that truth more than the lie. And also being honest with yourself. So another way to say is I’m going to love honesty so I’m willing to let people speak into my life. Am I willing to resolve or even address the internal conflicts and I’ll give you one that’s really common among people specially entrepreneurs is self sabotage. And for instance self sabotage is like driving your car at 60 miles an hour on the road. But you’ve got the emergency brake on. You see the emergency brake is on. You know it’s slowing you down but you don’t feel the power to take that emergency brake off. And so when we sabotage ourselves we might be able to move forward. But we’re going to move forward at a slower rate than what we would do is if we remove that self sabotage would often sound self sabotage has to do with rejection has to do with rejection self rejection it can have to do with hatred. And I’ll give you an example of this and I don’t mean to stereotype anyone because there are a lot of really good car salesmen but you invariably we’ve all met the car salesman or the furniture salesman. That’s full of rejection.
And yet he goes into a business that is filled with rejection filled with opportunities for rejection and then they will work out that rejection over and over again and then we’ve all met that car sales person or the furniture sales person there’s something in you that just wants to buy from that person.
Why. Because we impart who we are not what we know. The first guy might have known everything about furniture he might have known everything about that car. But the second person has a love for themselves. They have something that makes us want to buy want to purchase from them. Want to work with them.
Now. Now that is an interesting concept for me. If you do not know we are talking to Barbara Koehler from Barbara Koehler seminars she’s got a great Web site. We’ll have a look at that at the end of the show. But Barbara when you were talking about that we are drawn to the second salesperson more than the first and they might not have as much technical knowledge. Why are we drawn to the the more second salesperson that has a stronger love for themselves than the first one that may have more technical knowledge.
Well I believe it’s when we love ourselves. I’m not talking about you know being a diva or narcissistic or anything like that. But when we genuinely feel confident and love ourselves it helps the customer to feel safe. And not if you are not feeling good about yourself your customers not going to feel safe and they’re not going want to spend their money with you.
I fully agree with that. I talk all the time to my clients how I want to be sure they feel safe.
Why is safety in terms of her relationship aspect or Counsellor’s perspective so important.
It’s hard to grow without feeling safe. It’s hard to grow business.
It’s hard to grow a personality it’s hard to grow a relationship without mutual trust and safety and so does that go to this man’s Maslov hierarchy theory that we have to have safety first before we can build any type of relationship you’re absolutely right Virginia.
You know I was going to try not to go there because I know that when often therapist you you’ll see the stereotypical things on the Harmony’s on television things like that but really we all have a life script and that life script is developed in those first three to five years of life. And it’s the kind of attachment that we have with our parents is going to play out in our life. And if that attachment is bad it’s going to play out in our business relationships a marital relationship our friends. And unless we allow God to intervene. And so you’re absolutely right. Right. That having a sense of safety and belonging is paramount to just functioning in the world.
But that not only goes for our self but we want to be sure that that is something that our clients feel when they come to us. Do you have any advice how we can make sure our clients feel safe interacting with us besides being confident in who we are.
I think asking clients for one thing I think to be if you make a mistake be quick to apologize. You don’t want to be apologizing all the time because they won’t feel confident in that. But if you model for them that you’re OK with who you are. That you’re open to feedback you make it safe for your customer to set boundaries make it safe you know. If a customer turns you down the first time and you retaliate by rejection by rejecting them they’re not going to feel safe. But if you make it safe for people to say no then they’ll feel safe enough to say yes.
Feel safe for people to say no. Gives them the space to feel comfortable to say yes.
Can you expand on that just a little bit. Absolutely. I don’t know how many of you all have been
Oh maybe gone for that up hitch for the weekend condo. The Timeshare or whatever but you go through the process you hear a good sales pitch and you want to think about it or or if you’ve ever been pressured by someone. Well what happens when you say no to that person. You’re hitting their deep rejection issues and it can. And so that will turn a customer off even more if someone retaliates by by rejecting you. And that turns a customer off they’re not going to feel safe. So you’re going to really shut your customer down if you give people you respect them and you respect them to the point of hey they don’t have to buy you know money. When people give you money for things it’s a sacred trust and you have to treat it like that and you want to give them a product that’s worthy of what they’re paying you. And so the customer has the right to scrutinize you. And so really it comes back to humility and if you don’t respect your customer enough that they can say no or learn from their know what was it that they didn’t like about your product.
What do you need to tweak and if you’re honest with yourself about that and we’ll let your customers really honest feedback you can grow from that and that will create safety in your relationship.
There is so much you said in that last segment Barbara.
I hope the folks that are listening to this might actually hit the rewind button and really listen to that because humility is so important in a business. But you also said give them the space to say no and learn from there. No there is. There’s so much to be had in that phrase. And I’m wondering if that is is why you teach in your seminars how to walk in power while still in the process does that learning from know and learning who we are to be comfortable in our paired role. Apply to that walk and pub were while we’re still in that process.
Yes. You know it to me it all comes back to self acceptance. And one of the things that I did in my process as I was a younger entrepreneur in my younger days was to say I don’t have to be perfect I’m going to make mistakes. There were times I just blew it or you know the first several times I’m buried in the first year of my private practice I would take clients that maybe couldn’t pay and then I would get upset that they couldn’t pay. When I realized from the beginning they couldn’t pay you know.
So I would get angry with myself so it was something I learned from and then just getting over the hump of asking people to pay you what you’re worth. But I had to trust God in that process that you know he helped me set my prices they were equitable they were congruent with what other people were offering and to go with it.
So to forgive myself for mistakes except where I was that I would learn and grow and then tell myself I don’t have to be perfect. And so for some of us who have a perfect driver if you make a mistake you’re just crushed and you know what mistakes come with the territory. You cannot please everybody not everybody is your customer and to know that and to your to thine own self be true. Right. You know we have to be true to ourselves what we do and not try to capture every customer capture the customer that’s for us and trust that you can provide the service they need and the ones that don’t come to you to trust that that is for your benefit as well.
And say I’m listening to you say this. Anybody that has a spiritual belief in God knows that God’s not expecting you to be perfect but you had said some of us have this driver to be perfect. How do we call that and and truly listen to who we are in terms of the way God made us. Yeah I think one is to.
The first step is telling yourself you don’t have to be perfect and then celebrate all the ways you’re not perfect and then know no things you do well and and bring balance into it by affirming yourself.
This is where you know encouraging yourself coaching yourself by knowing what your strengths are and knowing what your weaknesses are and being ok with that.
You know some people say hire your weakness. So if you if you have a weakness you know hired out your buys you contract with somebody to do that thing for you. But in my background we encourage people to overcome their weaknesses and granted you can’t do everything in your business.
There comes a time when you have to hire people and that kind of thing. But not to be afraid of your weaknesses and not to be intimidated by your weakness to know that it is okay for you not to be able to boil the ocean. If we can’t all do everything perfectly right. And it’s really about being okay with yourself.
Tapping into your strengths know what you can give people and Major on that knowing what you can give people and Major on that you have just this incredible way of phrasing things that I think of folks listening can really absorb in turn around and apply it to what they’re doing. But as I look at the time Barbara I want to be sure I’m giving you the floor to talk about a couple of things that you want to talk about. What is it you want the listeners to know about what you do or they should know in terms of the wealth of knowledge you have well thank you Virginia.
You know getting a in relationship and being successful and it’s not a mystery although it seems like a mystery. And many times it’s marketed like a mystery and I’m really sorry for that. I wanted to make personal growth accessible to everybody and so I developed a seminar business and our first ones coming up. Change your Life Change Your Life series and I’ve been teaching online for some time and I’ve been teaching and consulting for years that this is more of an organized format. And Barbara Koehler seminars dot com you can see or Change Your Life series. It’s a series of five seminars that we do by zoom. It’s a closed group and we take you through what is your life’s script. And we working with you to help you find out what your life’s script is what you want to change and how to change it and real practical stuff. One of the things the comments I get when I when I teach spiritually is people say this is so practical. Well if God can’t be practical in our everyday lives as you know then why do we have a relationship with him we want him to be practical and the Christian life to be practical to people. And so we don’t want to just sit and childish ego and be creative. That’s wonderful. Those times are wonderful but how do I put this to use in my life.
And so that was my heart because I saw so many things. If you do you know this program or that program then you’ll achieve that. And people are put up on pedestals and you know I want to bring everybody else up to the pedestal. I appreciate the honor that the people the way they regard me. I appreciate that but I want to bring everybody else up on the pedestal. I don’t want to be up on the pedestal. I want everybody to have this growth and to succeed because I’ve been in the place where I didn’t know what to do. I thought it was not attainable. And it is but it’s there’s a practical method to developing your personality that will work out in your business for your good. And so I just want to help people do that. So there’s two places you can go to well there’s three. First is Barbara Koehler seminars dot com and then the other one is a little introduction you can go to change your life dot. Guy Jiyu ID E. And that’s where our free ebook is. And that gives you an introduction to life scripting you have a worksheet there it’s my little e-book and you know when we will teach you how to diagram these things so that you can really break it down if you’ve ever had a conflict with somebody you’re going or the same issue over and over and over again.
These are the same worksheets I used for years with myself with my clients. And you know what I still use them and to problem solve and to come out of that place wherever and trying to grow out of and grow into a new place. And then the other place you can check us out is that Barbara Koehler seminars Facebook page where most Wednesday nights I’ll do a 30 minute teaching like I teach on anxiety. I will be doing that one night. But I teach on depression. I’ve got one on codependency attachment styles. These are the things that I made them 30 minutes to limit the times because most people can invest 30 minutes and they’re free. They’re no cost to you. You can tap into it and go over the videos as many times as you want. So those are some resources for people or change your life series is only ninety nine dollars. And I was told it was underprice but I just wanted to give an introductory offer so that as people take a risk on who’s Barbara and there maybe they’re new to who I am. I felt like that’s a reasonable investment to get 20 years of experience. And so I hope that people will take that leap and join us.
I hope they take the leap too but I want to ask you a couple more maybe questions you would said on Wednesday night. You do this pre Facebook training for folks but that doesn’t necessarily mean I have to have anxiety to tune in as a business owner. I probably want to be understanding anxiety better so that I can relate to my clients better if I am coming in as a business owner. Am I going to get something out of those sessions with you on Facebook.
I think so. You know anxiety is the mind’s way of tapping you on the shoulder and saying something’s wrong. Anxiety we have it in epidemic proportions in our culture. Many I work with a lot of business and ministries leaders. It seems like so many people struggle with anxiety. And so you’re getting countering Zygi one place another if it’s not yourself a family member or a customer. And so one of the ways anxiety. One of the ways it surfaces it’s a secondary emotion there’s a root cause underneath. So again the more you can affirm people help them to feel safe it will lower anxiety. But getting rid of anxiety requires getting to that root and allowing God to come into that place and bring healing.
I’m going to be putting your links into the show notes. But if people just want to reach out to you when they’re not ready to purchase you certainly do welcome that. Don’t you Barbara.
Absolutely. And untagged me at Barbara Barbara Koehler seminars dot com and so I think there’s a little hello link on our Web site. So either of those ways and they can call my office to 5 2 7 5 8 8 6 3 6 and they’re probably the best way to reach me through the Web site because I’m often in session. So but we would love to hear from them anyway that’s best for them.
I love it. And this is what I love with these great guests we bring on this podcast because they bring this wealth of knowledge in now.
This is accessible for you to obtain and pull into your business and pull into your own self. You know as Barbara says we all need to be working on self development. She’s been doing it for many years and continues to do it. I’ve been doing it for many years and continue to do it. We all have this ability to grow and become better people of God. This is unfortunately where I say I hope you’ve enjoyed today’s interview with Barbara Coler and you’ve learned about personal growth you’ve learned about the parent ego the child ego. How to develop your own personal truth. If you want full show no links to the episode as well as our social media links and Barbara’s social media links they can all be found at a O. Now dot com slash podcast and of course the best part about our show is our listeners. And we suggest to our listeners to subscribe and give us your review. What did you like. What did you didn’t like about the show because we want to be hearing from you. And next week we have a phenomenal phenomenal guest for you. But for now Barbara thank you very much for joining us. And we can’t wait to see where you take us in 2013.
Thank you. Virginia.